Advocates rally against domestic violence

By Cherise Leclerc – email

NORTHAMPTON, MA (WSHM) -

Survivors of domestic violence and advocates packed the lawn outside the old courthouse in Northampton on Thursday afternoon.

It was emotional for those that attended as they looked at some powerful messages.

“Voice for the voiceless” was just one of the sayings on the dozens of T-shirts on display at the event. They were created by victims, each one a powerful reminder of the abuse and violence that goes on behind closed doors to women and men across the country.

It’s inspired by the National Clothesline Project, a group of survivors against domestic violence.

Advocates are working to bring the issue to light that so many don’t even realize is there.

Safe Passage, a domestic violence center for survivors of domestic violence, answers about 2,000 calls a year.

In the first few months of this year alone, two Western Mass women were allegedly murdered at the hands of their estranged boyfriends.

Now residents and advocates are speaking up to encourage those going through domestic violence to seek help.

“My daughter and her 18-month-old baby were killed in Northampton. So ever since then I became a voice for the victims and survivors of domestic violence,” said advocate Yoko Kato.

This is Northampton’s first time holding the event inspired by the National Clothesline Project. Greenfield will hold a similar event.

Copyright WSHM 2012 (Meredith Corporation). All rights reserved.

The political climate is hurting benefits for women that many had worked hard to put in place a long time ago. The Violence Against Women Act–important legislation established in 1994–was widely bipartisan, and is now being threatened by conservatives. This law would increase financing for, and enable domestic violence programs to serve many more victims of violence, who are currently without resources.

“The legislation would continue existing grant programs to local law enforcement and battered women shelters, but would expand efforts to reach Indian tribes and rural areas. It would increase the availability of free legal assistance to victims of domestic violence, extend the definition of violence against women to include stalking, and provide training for civil and criminal court personnel to deal with families with a history of violence. It would also allow more battered illegal immigrants to claim temporary visas, and would include same-sex couples in programs for domestic violence.” NYTimes, J Weisman, March 14, 2012

Senator Dianne Feinstein (CA), states, “This is part of a larger effort, candidly, to cut back on rights and services to women,” she said. “We’ve seen it go from discussions on Roe v. Wade, to partial birth abortion, to contraception, to preventive services for women. This seems to be one more thing.”

It helps to know that Senate Democratic women are not taking it lightly. They plan to march to the Senate floor with their demands to support the extension of the Violence Against Women Act sometime this week. Let’s follow their lead by speaking up, taking a stand, and backing our beliefs when it’s time to vote.

Women and Domestic Violence

• 85% of domestic violence victims are women
• 1 in 4 women experiences a physical or sexual assault by an intimate partner
• Females who are 20–24 years of age are at the greatest risk of domestic violence.

Women who are abused—physically and/or psychologically endure a whole spectrum of traumatic effects.  Physical abuse causes serious physical injuries, serious psychological injuries, and ultimately, can result in death.  During the last decade, important research tells us that psychological abuse causes serious wounding to both mental and physical health. In other words, you cannot be with someone who abuses you verbally, emotionally and mentally without experiencing serious losses in your mental and physical health.  What does this look like?

Physical ailments could include: headaches, lower-back pain, stomach aches, and nausea.  Psychological abuse can cause adverse health problems (Coker et al) such as arthritis, stomach ulcers, chronic pain, migraines, spastic colon, chronic pelvic pain, sexually transmitted infections, etc.

The traumatic effects in mental health can include confusion, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, substance abuse, impaired functioning re:  parenting, socializing, and work performance, loss of trust in ones own judgment, etc.  Many women report a loss of self.

Families and Domestic Violence:

• 30% to 60% of children who live in households with domestic violence often become victims of abuse or neglect
• Children exposed to domestic violence at home display greater symptoms of trauma, including frequent sickness, complaints of headaches, stomachaches, tiredness and lethargy
• Children witnessing acts of domestic violence between parents and caretakers are at risk for perpetuating the cycle of domestic violence in their own homes
• Boys exposed to domestic violence are two times as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults
• Girls who experience domestic violence in the home are far more likely to become victims.

Domestic violence is considered one of the most chronically underreported crimes as statistics do not reveal the full disheartening reality–many instances of domestic violence go unreported.

Domestic violence severely hurts individuals, families, children, communities, and perpetuates the cycle of violence continuing into future generations.  If you or a loved one are currently experiencing domestic violence and are unsafe or at risk of being hurt, please see our “Resources” page OR for immediate help, call 911.

Physical acts of abuse and threats of physical abuse are legally defined as criminal behavior and labeled “domestic violence.” The physical or battering behaviors can include: kicking, pushing, restraining, hitting, choking, pinching, throwing objects at you and around you, and forcing you into sex against your will (rape), etc. So, when physical violence and threats are not present, the conclusion, although false, is that no abuse is taking place. Clearly, physical violence gets our attention. However, you need to know that this is not nearly the whole story.

“Psychological abuse may affect a woman’s overall psychological well-being to the same extent as physical abuse or battering (Katz & Arias, 2000).

Psychological abuse endangers you the most, yet it is the aspect of domestic violence that remains the most elusive. The non-physical abuses include verbal, emotional and mental abuse, that fall under the heading of psychological abuse. These tactics can include, for example, intimidating, frightening gestures, purposefully harassing you, crude language to insult you, twisting your words to mean something other than your intent, blaming you for things that aren’t your fault, isolating you by blocking contact with family and friends, etc. Ultimately, it will affect your sense of self, your view of the relationship with your spouse or boyfriend, and your connection with the world surrounding you. So it is easy to understand how psychological abuse, just because it’s hard to see, is made powerful and effective. Yet, as one woman in my group pointed out, “Psychological abuse is not illegal.” So, in the end, women have to protect themselves.

If you have other questions regarding domestic violence or would like to learn more about what is domestic violence, visit my website for more information. For help, see Resources. For immediate help, call 911.

For you to get started, here is the handout, “Controlling Behavior Checklist,” that I use in my groups to help women self-identify. Take a look and see if there are behaviors that your partner uses to hurt and control you. Look at “Resources” if you feel you need immediate assistance.

Controlling Behavior Checklist
Psychological Abuse

• Raising their voice that intimidates
• Blocking the doorway during argument
• Using intimidating, frightening gestures
• Intimidating you with their size
• Towering over you, standing too close
• Driving recklessly to scare you
• Threatening you
• Intentionally ignoring you, sometimes for days
• Purposefully harassing or annoying you
• Stalking you at home
• Stalking you outside your home
• Using crude language, insulting you
• Blaming you for things that aren’t your fault
• Pressuring you/rushing you into making decisions
• Sulking to make you feel guilty
• Manipulating your kids against you
• Not listening, interrupting, changing topics
• Twisting your words, withholding information, lying
• Insisting they’re the authority, defending their actions with “logic”
• Using money as a tool to threaten or control you
• Isolation: Blocking you from communicating with family, friends, or neighbors
• Turning family, children, or friends against you
• Being emotionally distant, jealous, cheating on you
• Making you a prisoner in your own home
• Threatening suicide
• Threatening to abandon you if not compliant
• Preventing you from sleeping with rants or arguments
• Preventing you from seeking medical attention

Physical Abuse

• Slaps you with an open hand
• Punches you
• Kicks you
• Drags you
• Chokes you
• Pushes or restrains you
• Pinches you
• Pulls your hair
• Physically throws you
• Throws objects
• Throws objects at you
• Spits on you
• Abuses your home or possessions
• Abuses pets
• Keeps weapons around that threaten you
• Uses weapons and objects to threaten you

Sexual Abuse

• Makes jokes that devalue women
• Makes you feel dirty
• Uses threats or coercion to get you to have sex
• Attempts to have sex with you while you sleep
• Forces you into sex acts against your will (rape)

Now that you have completed the checklist, take a moment to fully appreciate what you just found out. You’re likely to feel nervous and surprised. These are normal responses. Many women are amazed to discover that many behaviors they didn’t consider abuse are. When you checked a behavior, you labeled your partner’s behavior as abuse. Your checkmarks are alerting you to the reality of your intimate relationship. It’s a time to learn more, if you’re not in immediate danger. See “Controlling Partner” on my website for more information. Also, a book that I recommend is: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.

Do you feel controlled by your partner?

Take a moment to tune into your feelings. Do you feel free to say and do what you want? Or, are you scared of his reaction, so you give up saying and doing what you want? Think about how his reactions intimidate and frighten you, and limit your life in so many ways.

Do you feel afraid?

Controlling partners use intimidation to control you and get what they want. They can use scary behavior like throwing things, destroying your possessions, or hurting a pet. They can just give you the “look” that tells you, you better comply or else.

Do you feel isolated and lonely?

Controlling partners can make it very difficult for you to keep up with family and friends. Do you give up going out socially, visiting with family, or attending family events? The controlling partner makes it so unbearable for you by using severe putdowns and/or devaluing your family and friends. In the end, you give up and give in to avoid the emotional pain, and find yourself alone and isolated.

Do you feel guilty about your partner’s bad behavior?

A controlling partner rarely, if ever, takes responsibility for his abusive behavior. He does, however, hold you responsible by blaming you for making him angry, and even abusive. In other words, the controlling partner believes you caused it. In time, you can internalize this blame into self-blame, believing you caused it. Bottom line, you are not responsible for his choice to be abusive.

Do you feel worse about yourself now than before the relationship started?

Poor self esteem, depression, anxiety etc. result from living with a controlling partner who blames, ridicules and criticizes you. These constant negative assaults contribute to your confusion and self-doubt. Once this occurs, you’re at risk of believing his false accusations that seriously impact your mental health. The worse you feel, the more controllable you are.

By now you know or suspect that your partner is controlling your life and causing you to feel badly about yourself. Now is a good time to take a step to help your self. Get more educated. Visit “Controlling Partner” on my website for more information. Also, the “Resources” may direct you to help in your area.

Maggie, a 33 year-old teacher, shares:

“My closest friend attended this group quite awhile ago and found it very helpful. She was so excited about what she was learning. I watched her grow and change.  It was great.  Recently, she told me she was worried about my relationship.  Initially, I was very surprised.  I know Paul can be very outspoken, a bit self-righteous and hard to argue with at times.  But I never thought of him as controlling.  I guess I didn’t see what my friend saw when we would socialize together.  It’s hard for me to see it even now.  It’s confusing. I’m not sure what I think or feel, exactly.  But what I did notice is that I was nervous about telling Paul that I want to attend this group.  I made up an elaborate story about how Carol could leave this cryptic voice message about requesting a time and day for tutoring, which would in fact be when the group is starting.  It then dawned on me that maybe I am intimidated by my husband.  I am here to get clear…to figure out what is happening exactly in my relationship.”

You too (or someone you know) may need to “get clear” about what’s actually taking place in your relationship with your boyfriend or spouse.  Like Maggie, you may be wondering if your partner controls you.  You may have questions:  Does he intimidate me?   Do I feel confused about my relationship? I’ve offered recovery groups for women with controlling partners since 1993, and, in my experience, many women can’t see control in their relationships.

Like Maggie, you may have someone in your life—a well-meaning friend or family member—who has observed something about your boyfriend or spouse and shared it. Perhaps, you’ve been told, “He can be a bully.” or “He’s a bit controlling.” or  “He doesn’t always treat you well.”  Rarely, however, does anyone say, “He’s abusive.” You may have been thinking about how your partner treats you for a long time but haven’t known what to do about it or felt like you could do anything at all.

Or the messages you get from others may be strikingly different than your experience in your relationship. Perhaps someone has said, “What a nice guy!” about your partner but you know his pleasant, public demeanor disappears when you are alone with him. One frustrated woman said, “When it was finally labeled abuse, it was only then I took it seriously.”

Coercion or controlling behavior is hard to identify. The behavior is intended to confuse you, keep you “off balance” and unaware. Because most people don’t really “see” the controlling behavior, they don’t recognize it as abuse. But it is abuse. Like the women in my groups, you could be already experiencing the devastating effects of a controlling partner and don’t fully realize what’s happening to you.  Right now, how you feel is the most important indicator you have of how your partner acts toward you, and letting your feelings guide you is the best way to begin to “’get clear” about your relationship. You may not yet be able to see what controlling behaviors are or how they harm you, but you can identify if you feel controlled by your partner. Paying attention to your feelings, no matter how vague they are, provides a chance for you to explore, just as other women do, if your partner controls you.

Take a look at the information on my website.  It will help you to understand controlling behavior and psychological abuse.

“Out of the blue, he pushed me.  He was never like that before the last few months.” As this 41 year old married woman’s story unfolded in one of my groups, she sadly added months and years to her abuse history. She was unaware of the slow and insidious control he mounted over her life. It was only when he pushed her, that she became alarmed, told a friend and eventually sought help.  Although, she could have greatly benefitted from help with her controlling husband much earlier.

Psychological abuse, also known as mental and verbal abuse, is very difficult to see, but if you know what to look for, it’s easily identifiable.  Verbal abuse involves yelling, shouting you down, screaming, name calling, put downs, harassing statements to annoy you, etc. These same behaviors, are also abusive, psychologically and mentally.  Psychological abuse in relationships makes the victim feel intimidated and fearful.  You silence yourself to avoid escalating your partner’s abuse. You can feel intensely pressured and go along with your partner’s decisions even though you don’t agree.  He blames you constantly, making false accusations, which you are at risk of internalizing, lowering your self-esteem.  Being free to be yourself around your partner, is replaced with a constant vigilance of him. You try to anticipate what to do and say that will keep the peace, if just a little longer.  Before you even know, you’re no longer the person you once were.

Drawing from the experiences of hundreds of women who have experienced psychological abuse in relationships and who have been in my groups, mental and verbal abuse is always there before the first push, grab, or punch.  The problem is that psychological abuse in relationships is hard to see, yet it is extremely effective in achieving power and control over a partner in intimate relationships. The legal system is set up to deal with physical abuse and the threat of physical abuse only.  In the end, each and everyone of us needs to empower ourselves with knowing what psychological abuse in relationships (mental and verbal abuse) looks like in order to take steps to be safe.

For more information, visit my website “Raising Awareness: Psychological Abuse and Healing” at www.carollambert.com.

Tomorrow, we will celebrate the “Day of Unity.” Let’s take the time to educate ourselves about domestic violence and emotional abuse, often the precursor to physical abuse.  In particular, the more we know about non-physical abuse like emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental and verbal abuse, the more prepared we will be to take action before domestic abuse becomes physical. For one educational source, checkout the YouTube film on my twitter titled: ” Domestic Violence:  The War on Women.”

Your participation in my discussions will be welcomed and necessary to raising awareness. I like to envision as women join the blog that they are joining a circle of women, together supporting each other in their own mission of seeking healthy relationships.   Sharing your experiences helps you, and at the same time, will help others.  I look forward to hearing from you.  Also, please share with anyone you believe can benefit from being part of this circle of women.